MY SHADOW, GOODBYE

Remember the anecdote about a man being chased by a hungry tiger, falling over a thousand-foot cliff, clutching at a shrub on the way down, and plucking from it the sweetest berry he ever ate? Can this mean that even in the midst of great fear and peril the soul can taste the sweetness of berries, of this blessed life, blessed earth?

All night I caressed the velvet ears, the softly ebbing body of my Shadow dog as he lay dying. This can't be happening. But it is. Our long heavenly life together has ended. My dearest, closest companion for more than fifteen years. My mind simply can't get around this. We are swimming in Great Mystery this very instant. Shadow's beautiful, liquid, sightless eyes, sentient as seeing eyes, wisdom-love forever into mine. His hot, dry muzzle brushes my face. I can't get enough of gazing at my beautiful dog. Here, here, always by me. The longest, dearest relationship of my life. How can it be that he will not exist? All my learnings -- all useless.

Dawn came at last to deliver Shadow of his patient anguish. Soon I would call my friend,Kent, who would help me load him into the back of the car. Then at the stroke of eight I would be at the vet's back door, where this gentle savior would apply the needle of no return. I would hold and kiss the beloved brow, eyes, cheek of my Shadow. I would weep and never stop. As the merciful point was inserted into a vein, I would enter a very private room where there are no words for grief.

And there came a moment, during this dawn ... with the gentling sky of palest blue ... with the last farewell ... swooning with loss ... there came the sweetest berry sounds of little spring birds, chirping happily in the trees outside.